Once a Widow, Always a Widow

My world changed on October 26, 2000 when my husband, Doug died after a 2 1/2 year battle against cancer. I woke up to the deafening silence of an empty house, the whoosh of the oxygen concentrator-gone. My daily routine-obliterated. What next?

I had no idea.

All I knew was that I was standing smack in the middle of a life that was unfamiliar to me and I didn't know where to turn, how to act, who to be. And so I turned inward and began a journey of self exploration to determine what direction I needed to take in order to survive.

I worked hard during the next year, reading books on grief, making an attempt at support groups, setting goals for myself. Doing your grief work is so important if you want to work thru the pain, but it is different for everyone.

I took a common sense approach. I had certain rules-no wallowing for more that 24 hours at a time, I must take a shower every day, I must leave the house for a minimum of 1 hour, then 2 hours...until I was able to go out for a whole afternoon without panicking.

I also realized that I needed to return to work. I spent 2 years acting as a full time caregiver to my husband-an exhausting job, but not one that will pay the bills. And so I had to practice the answer to the dreaded question, "Why have you been out of work for the last 2 1/2 years". I repeated the answer over and over until I could say the words without crying or without having a quiver in my voice. "I was full time caregiver to my husband who was battling cancer. Since his death, I have taken some time to get my life in order and now I am prepared to return to the workforce."

I said the words -exactly as I practiced them -when sitting across the desk from the woman who interviewed me the first time out of the gate. Her eyes filled with tears. My worst fears were coming to fruition, but not because I hadn't rehearsed enough. I never anticipated the interviewers reaction to my carefully chosen words.

But I got the job!

And so, I began the process of reentering the world, interacting with people on a daily basis, having some place that I had to be. It was really the best thing that I could have done.

Once I was out there every day, I realized how isolated and lonely I felt in the evenings. I had no one to share the tales of my day with. It seemed so....empty. I really enjoyed being married and I really missed that interaction. But I never envisioned that I would even be in a serious relationship, much less marry again.

You see, in addition to having cared for my husband during his illness, I also had guardianship of my adult brother who was born with Down Syndrome. He functioned on about a third grade level in most respects and he required continuous supervision. Although he was enrolled in a day program, our evenings and weekends were spent together.

I loved my brother, and in many ways his presence kept me focused. We tried to make life an adventure-going to the movies, watching football games on Sunday afternoons...but I needed more adult conversation than he could provide. But because he could not be left alone, my social activity had to be planned around my ability to get someone to stay with him when I went out. It was difficult to plan something simple like dinner with a girlfriend-anything more complex was next to impossible to accomplish.

I spent so many nights roaming around the house in a sleepless state. I tried reading - something I had always enjoyed - but my lack of concentration kept me from being able to finish even one page. And so, the Internet became my friend. On line support groups were a lifeline for me. And, in the days before pop-up blockers, I was always receiving information about on line dating services.

I wasn't really sure what I was looking for. In my naivete , I thought I could just meet some people in my age group who were looking for companionship. I signed up for Match.Com and started looking for local people to connect with.

My first date was with a man name Ed who had been widowed about 10 years before. Everyone said that it was better to look for a widower, because they would be more understanding and would be more in tune to my needs. Well...all I have to say about that is that people are people, with character flaws and quirks that defy widowhood. It really was a disaster in terms of a dating experience, but it ultimately helped me to define what I was looking for.

I wanted to get married.

Okay, I didn't just want to be married, I wanted to fall in love with a wonderful man and build a life with him. I wanted to eat popcorn in front of the fire on a cold winter night, drink champagne on New Years Eve, share a hot dog and a beer at a ball game.

I wanted love and companionship, joy and peace, hugs and kisses for no reason. I thought that life was lost to me forever, until one chilly night in November, 2001.

A new man popped up on my list of matches. He met my very strict criteria-he had teeth, a job, and lived within 10 miles. After all, I didn't want to travel too far, and didn't always want to pay my own way. The teeth were just a bonus.

I emailed him and waited for a response, which I received promptly. We had a whirlwind email introduction, meeting 3 days after the initial contact. Meeting in the parking lot of a local movie theater, we chatted on line at the concession while waiting for refreshments.

Newly unencumbered after a brief marriage, he was looking to play the field and just have a good time. He made it clear that marriage was not in the cards for him - he had tried it twice and it hadn't worked out.

So we agreed that we would date casually, seeing other people, for as long as we were both having a good time. We had good chemistry. We laughed a great deal, always had something to talk about, had heated discussions about the things we disagreed on...ok, I had heated discussions, he was more of a pacifist.

We both continued to date other people. I met some really nice guys, one of whom became a regular in my dating cycle. Paul was a really fun guy and we had a lot in common. But he could not handle the fact that I was dating someone else, and he eventually ended our relationship. I sometimes wonder if he ever found that special gal, because he would be a great guy for someone - just not me.

You see, by that time, I had fallen in love with my Match.com guy. Oh, his name is Michael, by the way. But if he was falling for me, he kept it hidden. about 6 months into our relationship, I asked him if he was ready to make it exclusive, and he said no. I was crushed. After that, we had an on-again-off-again dating situation that was frustrating and unsatisfying.

And then, one day, it just kind of happened. We were a couple. There was no discussion, no planning, nothing. It just was. Michael had sold the home that he shared with his last wife and was preparing to move into a new house about 2 miles from me. At the last minute, there was a delay inn the closing on the place he was buying, and he needed a place to stay for 3 or 4 days. He was planning to move into a hotel, but I convinced him to stay with me. He agreed. And he never left.

When the often delayed closing finally took place 3 months later, we had already settled into a happy routine. Right after the closing, the house went back on the market and sold within a week.

Michael and I were married the following year. It has turned out to be everything I was looking for...and more.

Even as Michael and I approach our 5th wedding anniversary, I still consider myself to be a Remarried Widow. Nothing that has happened since October 26, 2000 can erase the fact that I am Doug's widow...and always will be. I am proud to have been his wife, as I am proud to be Michael's wife.

But, Once a Widow, Always a Widow.