Happiness is....

When you realize that you have all the components to be truly happy, yet you feel that something is missing, it is time to look inside yourself.

My world was rocked last week when my husband took a spill on the ice, split his head open and sustained a subdural hematoma. Now, for those of you who watch shows like CSI, Bones or any crime show, Subdural Hematoma (bleeding of the brain) is often the cause of death. I watched my husband stand on the threshold of death and it terrified us both.

But for a long term caregiver turned widow, the flashbacks, the memories, the heartache has been palpable. I listen for every breath, react to every wince or sigh. I listen for death.

My husband is resting comfortably. He grows stronger every day. I am grateful for that, really. I should be happy, right? Happy that he survived, happy that he is going to be okay. Instead, I am fearful. I am confused. I am saddened by this turn of events that has caused my happy existence to become muddled and frightened.

So, what to do? Well, for me, it always begins with a list. Sometimes it is on paper, sometimes it is just in my head. A gratitude journal helps-to write down three things that I am grateful for each and every day. Lists and journals help me to process; they help me to gain perspective.

I know that this feeling of dread will pass. I will lock it away in the treasure chest of things that have been dealt with and filed away until I need them again.

And I will move forward in my pursuit of happiness once again.