Reflections

It was eight years ago that I said goodbye to Doug for the very last time. I will never know if he actually heard me. His final moments on this earth were not peaceful, not like the TV version where you close your eyes and stop breathing. It is a moment that replays in my head over and over, even eight years later.

I loved that man, more than I can ever express with words. His death left an enormous void in my life. While I outwardly showed a brave face, on the inside I didn't think I could ever have a happy life again.

But the truth is, time passed and I began to heal. I could either make the best of this life or I could go thru the motions and just exist. That was not an option to me. Doug worked so hard to LIVE, because he wanted us to have our life back. When it didn't happen that way, I knew that I needed to carry the torch, so to speak, and have a good life-even if we couldn't do it together.

I will never know why, but I was fortunate enough to meet a wonderful man who would enhance my life, who would allow me to have my memories and to honor the life that I shared with Doug.

Michael holds a unique place in my life, as Doug did, but it is a very different place. In some respects, Michael got the better wife, the more patient and accepting wife. I got a more appreciative husband, who has been thru failed relationships and is now in a good place in his life.

I have to believe that there is some sense to be made from all of this, but I haven't figured it all out yet. I probably never will, and I guess that's okay. The fact is that I have been loved by two really special guys, and that is more than many people can say. And since I cannot change it, I will accept it, hell, even embrace it and try to enjoy each and every day.

So, for Doug, I am munching on some freshly baked cookie and watching the Eagles game (they are losing as we speak) and I have dedicated this day to your memory. Know that you were well loved and sorely missed.

As an update.....the Eagles won the game!

OUCH!

Yesterday was a blood drive and fund raising pasta dinner for Michael's lodge. I always try to lend a hand, and so I arrived at 12:30 ready to work. We spent the afternoon setting up and getting things ready for dinner - salad, soup, spaghetti with meatballs and cake for dessert. One of the lodge brothers, a chef, volunteered to supply the pasta course. Imaging our surprise when he arrived 5 minutes before the doors opened arming with 20 pounds of uncooked spaghetti and no sauce.

Because we always try to have a plan B and a plan C, there was water simmering on the stove, and a big pot of meatballs and sauce. Gears quickly switched from calm to panic as Michael started cooking pasta for the crowd that started to assemble. All went well in the end, though, and a nice amount of blood was collected. Those who donated ate for free, so we didn't make much money, but the blood bank benefited, so all is well.

Perhaps the best part of the night was when the 5 folks who worked tirelessly for 3 hours collecting the blood joined the group for dinner. It was after 8PM by then, and we were all tired. They were quite appreciative for the meal at the end of a long day.

Luckily, there was a group of lodge brothers who came later in the night to clean up, because we were too tired. Those who arrived at 4PM were ready to head home after a night on their feet.

As for Michael and me, we are tired...really tired....and boy, do our backs and legs hurt. We'll be planning to take it easy today. And it will be a while before I will want to look at another plate of spaghetti & meatballs again! But it was all worthwhile.

Mathew & Margot's Wedding

I was asked to speak at the wedding which took place on October 10th. Mathew is the son of my deceased husband Doug's brother Gregg and his wife Ann. They have made a special effort to keep me in the family, even embracing my marriage to Michael. They are warm, funny and generous people. Here is what I had to say:

"When Mathew asked me to do a reading, while deeply honored, I faced 2 challenges. First, to find the perfect reading and second, to face my fear of public speaking. So, here I am, attempting to meet these challenges.

I searched the internet for the perfect prose and nothing really resonated. I decided to tap into the inner wisdom that comes from 20 years of marriage, counting a 3 year gap between husbands. And now, I give you Mary's Guide to a Happy Marriage:

Margot, there are 2 questions to avoid at all cost. 1) Does this make me look fat? and 2)Do you notice anything different about me?. These are loaded questions and there is no right answer.
Mathew, there are 2 phrases that you must commit to memory. Be prepared to use them liberally. The first is, "Yes dear" and the second is "I'm Sorry". Practice saying these in a sincere tone of voice.

On a serious note, I do have something I would like to read. It is more common sense than flowery or romantic. I found it when I googled a phrase that expresses my own life philosophy - Live with Intention. And now, a reading from the book of Mary, as written by Maryanne Radmacher:
Live with Intention
Walk to the Edge
Listen Hard
Play with Abandon
Practice Wellness
Laugh
Risk Love
Continue to Learn
Appreciate your friends
Choose with no regret
Stand by your family
Celebrate the holidays that make sense
Lead or follow a leader
Do what you love
Live as if this is all there is.

Robert's Grave Revisited

Well, the cemetery has promised to move Robert to a nicer location. They said to give them two weeks. That was a month ago. These people work at a snail's pace. Note to self: never use this place again.

I will feel better when the transfer has actually taken place.

Summertime Blues

I am not particularly fond of the heat and humidity that comes with the month of August, and this year it started early-about mid June. I find it draining, physically and emotionally, and so I try to stay indoors as much as possible.

Unfortunately, the flower beds do not weed themselves, the lawn doesn't mow itself, and so I have to venture outdoors even when my body screams for me to stay where it is cool. I drink large quantities of water and I take a lot of breaks, But that means that it takes significantly longer for me to accomplish the things I want to do.

And that makes me cranky.

Making Memories

Years ago, my husband and I stopped buying presents on special occasions just for the sake of presenting a gift. Instead, we decided that we would take a nice vacation each year and make memories. In a few weeks we will be leaving for a cruise tour of the UK - visiting England, Ireland, Scotland and a day in France. I will get to see Blarney Castle, Roslyn Chapel, the Guinness factory and Loch Ness, among other things. I will get to visit the land of my ancestors. We have a very full schedule of activities planned, yet have left time to relax and roam the countryside.
Some people find it a bit strange when they ask me what my husband bought me for Valentine's Day and I have nothing in small jeweler's box to show them. Don't get me wrong-I love the shiny stuff as much as the next gal-but we have made a commitment to do things on our own schedule and not to wait for artificially created occasions to get what we want for each other. Hey, it works for us.
For me, making memories is the best gift of all. I carry them with me wherever I go and they make me smile.

Following Yout Inner Voice

I recently accepted an assignment for a temp job working in the customer service department of a company that distributes herbal detox foot pads. At first, it was just an adventure to get me out of the house more often, and to put aside some money for a future vacation adventure.

The work environment was dismal, a small cubical in a less than clean office. But the hours and the pay were decent, and it was ten minutes from home. And, it was temporary.

At 9AM, the phone would begin ringing and I was pounded all day by folks who were angry and aggressive. Occasionally I would get someone who just wanted to reorder the product and they would tell me how wonderful it was and how it had improved their lives. I found myself yearning for more of those calls. And yet, easily 97% of the people that I spoke to were verbally abusive, spewing foul language....just plain angry.

I was hard pressed to understand why people would get so worked up over a product that cost $19.99. Perhaps they were looking for a miracle to change their lives and were disappointed that they hadn't found it in a little paper wrapped packet of herbs. Maybe that was their last 20 bucks, and they felt they had been duped if the product didn't work for them. I don't know.

Many of the people that I spoke to were intoxicated by 10AM. Maybe they were looking for rehab in a box. Whatever it was, I was tired of being assaulted. I easily spoke to 100 people a day.

I was beginning to come home drained rather than energized. This job was not giving me the outlet that I was looking for. And then, one morning, the supervisor called me to her desk and in front of the entire staff pointed out that I was clocking in late every morning-9:02, 9:01... I advised her that I had to wait for one of the permanent employees to unlock the door before I could get into the building, and that if she checked, NONE of the employees had logged in at 9:00 because the building wasn't open yet. She said that she wasn't interested in excuses, just results, and that if i did not clock in by 9AM I would be fired.

The next day, I called the temp agency and asked to be released from the job.

My inner voice had been telling me that I was not honoring myself by continuing to work in an environment that was so denigrating and draining. I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders when I walked out the door for the last time.