Too much stuff

My life has been overtaken by THINGS and it is time to let some of it go. I have sentimental attachments to objects that are weighing me down instead of uplifting my life. I guess I could have been a hoarder, and I have fought those tendencies all my life. Now I just want to downsize, minimize ad streamline. I don't want to continue to maintan all this stuff. My intentions are always good. I always believe that I will have a use for this stuff. Yet all it does is clutter up my house. I have a grandfather clock that belonged to my mother. Two of my brothers and I chipped in and bought it for her about 15 years ago, so it is not an antique or a family heirloom. I have no childhood attachments to this clock. I has been sitting in my sunroom for six years, collecting dust, because I did not want to give it away when my mother died. I have no room for this piece, and now I need to find another home for it. My house is filled with things like that. Things that are too good to throw away, but that noone else wants. I guess it is time for me to open up and ebay account and make a little money. I have gotten beyond the emotional need to keep these things. It is time for them to find a home.

Today I am having lunch with a long time girlfriend. She has recently retired again and we have made a pact to get together once a month for lunch. Ar and I have gone thru an awful lot together. In the pre-on line dating era, we scoured the personal ads in search of the perfect mate. We laughed and danced, donned our widest brimmed hats and went shopping at Saks...it makes me smile to recount some of our adventures. As old(er)married women, we have been relegated to the monthly lunch. When I see her today, I think I will have a conversation with her about what we can do to have more fun. Hmmm...let me put on my thinking cap.

Laughter

Last night was the monthly book club and the selection for discussion was Fifty Shades of Grey. Regardless of how you feel about the book, it made for a lively discussion and lots of laughs. Patrice, our hostess for the evening, themed the get together by featuring Grey frosted cupcakes, Earl Grey tea, and grey neckties as decorations. The evening highlighted the importance of girlfriends, laughter, sharing and fun. It is so good for the soul to develop those connections, even if they are only for a few hours a month. Wouldn't it be great to have more fun and laughter in our lives? I make it a goal to laugh every day. And I mean really laugh out loud. Think about ways that you can incorporate more fun into your life. Let me know what you discover.

Congrats to my brother and his wife on their 25th wedding anniversary. It really is an accomplishment in a world where only 50% of marriages succeed. My brother called me yesterday to ask for a favor. His mother in law called him and invited him for a sit down to discuss the 25 years of animosity and disdain which permeates their relationship. He wanted me to write down everything that I could remember about the feud that exists between them, because I have the better memory. I refused to indulge him in this quest to dredge up all the crap from the last 25 years. I explained that if HE can't remember it, then it doesn't matter. Why have someone else's memory drive your arguement? I took this as a perfect coaching opportunity. I asked him why he felt that he needed to sit down with his mother in law, since previous attempts at this had been unproductive. They rarely see eye to eye on anything. And when they walk away from the table, they each have a different spin on what the actual outcome was. It has never produced positive results, and has only dredged up the past in a negative way. I asked why he wanted to sit down with her, and he admitted that he didn't - that he was only doing it so that she couldn't tell people that he had refused her attempt at reconcilitation. I questioned if this was a good enough reason, based on the past results. He agreed that he did not want to sit down and talk to her, that he only wanted to go about the business of living his life. In the end, he concluded that his time would be better spent trying to effect postitive change in his life instead of getting mired down in the minutae of this stand off. Of course, that coud all change when his wife gets wind of it!

Back to Basics

Writing has always been a cathartic exercise for me, and tho I journal daily, I have been neglecting my blog. I guess the idea is to get back to basics, to start one blog post at a time and see where it leads. Last week I took a fiction writing class and it helped to rekindle my desire to reconnect with the world thru written word. This is my new beginning, my back to basics attempt to write about what I know, to question what I don't, and to maybe make a difference in someone's day, one day at a time.

Violating My Space

The other day, I walked into my house with a feeling that something just wasn't right. My first clue was that the front door was unlocked. The housekeeper had come that morning, and she has always been good about locking the front door, bit occasionally she has left a back door open. This was different. I had a bad vibe.

I walked into the foyer and peeked into the first room. The space that housed a flat panel tv was empty. Damn - that tv was recently purchased with the first paycheck from the promotion I had received at my job. Ahhh..the thought hit me...ARE THEY STILL IN MY HOUSE????? So I backed out thru the front door, hopped into the car, locked the doors and called 911. I was freaked out...couldn't catch my breath...terrified that I had walked into something that was going to get me hurt or worse. And I waited.

It took moments that seemed like hours before the police arrived. They cleared the house-which was empty of intruders-and we went back in to inventory. My iPods and docking stations - gone. One was a brand new touch and I still hadn't figured out how to use it. My docking stations with speakers - gone. I love to have my home filled with music. The iPods and speakers made that so easy. Lady Gaga on day, Andrea Boccelli the next....whatever suited my mood. GONE.

Then, the BIG tv in the living room - GONE. They were nice enough to leave the blu-ray home theater system behind, but stole the remote control. Go figure. And they were very neat.

They took money, of course, but left the jewelry behind. Some of those pieces are not replaceable, so I am glad to still have them with me.

Oh, and they cut the cable/internet/phone wires. And stole one of my cordless house phones. That was weird to me. How did they know that my phone service was thru the cable, and not from the telephone wire that is attached to my house but is not in service? And why steal one phone. Oh, perhaps it was to cover up the numbers that were called by the housekeeper that morning. Those numbers would have shown up on the memory in the phone. Guess what????They showed up on the call log that I can access from the computer, so I know who she called and when.

The stuff is gone - it can all be replaced. The alarm system is being installed tomorrow. It is creepy, knowing that strangers have invaded your space, violated your privacy, and disrespected your home. It is worse when you believe that it was done by someone that you trusted, someone whom you allowed into your home, someone who earned a living from you.

I have no proof. I only have my gut feeling, and the gut never lies. It may not always be 100% accurate, but I have a good track record.

No matter how much security I buy, I will never feel that same sense of freedom that I enjoyed in my little peice of heaven...and I am PISSED.

Happiness is....

When you realize that you have all the components to be truly happy, yet you feel that something is missing, it is time to look inside yourself.

My world was rocked last week when my husband took a spill on the ice, split his head open and sustained a subdural hematoma. Now, for those of you who watch shows like CSI, Bones or any crime show, Subdural Hematoma (bleeding of the brain) is often the cause of death. I watched my husband stand on the threshold of death and it terrified us both.

But for a long term caregiver turned widow, the flashbacks, the memories, the heartache has been palpable. I listen for every breath, react to every wince or sigh. I listen for death.

My husband is resting comfortably. He grows stronger every day. I am grateful for that, really. I should be happy, right? Happy that he survived, happy that he is going to be okay. Instead, I am fearful. I am confused. I am saddened by this turn of events that has caused my happy existence to become muddled and frightened.

So, what to do? Well, for me, it always begins with a list. Sometimes it is on paper, sometimes it is just in my head. A gratitude journal helps-to write down three things that I am grateful for each and every day. Lists and journals help me to process; they help me to gain perspective.

I know that this feeling of dread will pass. I will lock it away in the treasure chest of things that have been dealt with and filed away until I need them again.

And I will move forward in my pursuit of happiness once again.

Working as a Diet Tool

I have to admit that the last year f dieting has been hard. Fortunately, it has paid off and so far I have lost 64 pounds. Unfortunately, the last 3 months have been spent yo-yoing up and down the same 4 pounds, so no real progress has been made.

I recently took a job for the US Census. It's temporary, which has an appeal for me. It is also located in the middle of nowhere. So my half hour lunch break leaves me confined to eating a packed lunch at the table in the back with the rest of the group. For me, that's a good thing. I can only eat what I have brought with me. So, by making careful choices and by making sure that I am well prepared for the day, I can strictly limit my food consumption.

I am hoping that this job will provide me with the weight loss jump start that I need in addition to funding the 2011 trip to Italy that I am planning for Michael and me.

Today's selection is a Lean Cuisine cafe selection, and asian pear and a 100 cal pack of Grasshopper cookies. How much better does it get than that?

If the weather was better, I might consider taking a walk after lunch. But, it is so cold that I'll just skip it. Hey, I'm human. I can only push it so far!

I have 21 pounds to go before I consider hiring a personal trainer. Mind you, I said I was considering it, because I am not excited about exercise in any form. So, I guess we'll see.

Off to pack up my gourmet lunch and hit the bricks.

New Year, New Attitude!

Last week I started working for the US Census as a recruiter. If they had offered me a job that required going door to door, I surely would have turned it down. These ole bones were not meant for such cold weather.

The job requires a lot of phone time, which is fine with me - right up my alley actually. The people are really great and it is nice to have a place to go to every day and interact with people. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed that. Perhaps the knowledge that it is temporary has some appeal as well. I am not tied to something long term. Seems to me that temporary suits my lifestyle for now and I'm okay with that.

This week I also downloaded to my Kindle a daily devotional by Gary Chapman entitled, The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional. I am catching up on the first 10 days of the month (which requires all of about 12 minutes) and I have asked my hubby to consider doing the same. I believe that marriage is a daily commitment, and anything positive that enhances and strengthens your relationship has got to be a positive. And, who can't spare a minute a day? I spend more time than that deciding what I'm having for lunch each day.

Off to continue my reading....Have a joyous and healthy New Year!

Catching Up

Boy, it really has been a long time since I have updated my blog. I really don't have a reason or an explanation, but I vow to be more diligent in posting.

So much has happened, and fortunately much of it has been good. We are planning a wedding in our family and it is an exciting time. On the day that my stepdaughter Jen graduated from college, her boyfriend Tom popped the question. We were there to share in the happiness of their special day and even captured it on video.

So, they have moved into a new home and Jen has started Optometry school in addition to planning the wedding. She has her hands full. I am trying to find that balance between being helpful and being obtrusive, and I have to admit that it is a difficult task. I hope it gets easier over time, but I am not so sure.

As for me, I have been participating in a Weight Watchers lifestyle, and to date I have lost 64 pounds. My husband has been participating along with me, and his weight loss is about the same as mine. His dietary changes have meant that his gall bladder distress has been eliminated and he has more energy. I have not been as fortunate. This has been a struggle for me physically as I have been experiencing severe unexplained joint and muscle pain. So, while I really should be feeling better, I am actually feeling worse. I am told that my body will eventually catch up with all the changes and that the distress will level out. I certainly hope so, and so, I endure.

Snow Day

The short and dreary days of winter are known for sending people into hibernation mode. We had a lovely break over the last two days-blue-ish skies and warm weather that made me delight in going outdoors.

And now it is lightly snowing, just to remind us that it really is winter. I actually enjoy the snow-watching it fall as I sit in the sun room , curled up in a blanket with a book and sipping cup of coffee. The snow blankets the barren wilderness and glistens in the trees. That is when I feel the most impact of my surroundings.

I am fully stocked with break, milk, hot cocoa and ice melt-the snow storm staples. We have a ton of firewood indoors to keep us warm. So, let it snow!

Yesterday was Groundhog Day, and although MY resident groundhogs did not make an appearance, I was visited by George and Gracie, my returning pair of geese. They were walking across the iced over pond looking for a place to swim. They were later joined by a family of deer and another pair of geese. I hope that I never lose the sense of wonder and enjoyment that I feel when I take in the complex simplicity of nature.

Happy Birthday Bobby

Last night I attended a tribute to the Scottish poet Robert Burns. The celebration included Scottish country dancers, Pipe & Drums and a tin whistle followed by the presentation of the HAGGIS and numerous toasts.

I was reluctant to attend, but I have to say that it was good fun. It was my first taste of haggis, and it is an acquired taste for sure. But there was also Shepherd's pie, bangers, meat pie turnips and carrots & peas and boiled potatoes. So there was plenty to eat.

It was really good fun. Something different for sure.

New Year

A little late, but Happy New Year to all. Life has been very busy-in a good way. I am happy to report that all is well.

Well, actually, it would have been better if the Eagles had won the game today. They would have gone on to the Superbowl. So today I will pack away my Eagles coffee mugs and other paraphernalia as well as my McNabb jersey and get ready for spring. That means painting the kitchen. We have put it on our agenda for next weekend. Unless something more exciting comes along.

Some changes that I am planning for 2009 that I will share. I never did get to go parasailing in '08, so it is on the To Do list as soon as the weather warms up. And I have increased my F bomb jar contribution to $5.00 per incident. Lucky for me, I haven't had to make any deposits yet this year. Tough luck for the Howell Food Pantry-the recipient of my donations. I am proud of myself.

I am also experimenting with the perfect paella. Last weekend's attempt was mediocre. I really have to keep working at it until I get it right. It is all about the rice-the protein stuff is easy. The rice takes patience-something that I am lacking. That is one of the reasons that I chose this exercise. So, I will keep you all updated on my progress.

For those of you who have trouble achieving your goals, Fran & I have posted the SMART goals on our blog. So check it out if you are interested or email me at coachcaprio@yahoo.com.

Finally

Well, I have written a few times about Robert's grave, and it has finally happened. Robert's grave has been moved to a more appropriate location. I got the call last Monday. I decided that I needed to check it out for myself before I dropped off a check, and sure enough, everything was done according to plan.

Tomorrow I am taking another brother over to show him where the grave is located. I also have to bring a grave blanket.

One more drama is behind me.

Cupcakes

About a month ago, I was watching FoodTV-a Bobby Flay throwdown. He challenged another baker to a cupcake throwdown, and he made a gingerbread cupcake with caramelized mango buttercream frosting. I thought that it sounded really yummy and different, and I planned to check to see if the recipe was posted on line.

Last week, the Sunday newspaper's magazine section had an article about Iron Chef recipes using ginger. Of course, that meant that I HAD to make the cupcakes, after all, the universe handed me the recipe! So, today I pulled out the measuring cup and the sifter and got to work. The finished cupcakes are sitting in the refrigerator as we speak.

I have learned that mangos will not puree and strain nicely unless they are very ripe. So, the frosting doesn't have quite enough of a mango essence. And that precisely following the recipe, using a 1/3 cup measuring cup to distribute the batter into the cupcake tin - per the instructions - only yielded 10 cupcakes, not the 12 that the recipe called for. ???? How does that happen?

I have to say that they really are tasty and worth the effort. Maybe I will even try them again one day...with more mango for sure.

Putting It Out There

My New Year's goal for 2008 was to improve my language skills by eliminating the "F" word - a word I used on a regular basis. I created an "F Bomb" jar and deposited $1.00 for every time I used the word. This also includes finger gestures, by the way. New Years Day was very challenging. I had invited friends and family for a game of Trivial Pursuit, and it was going very badly for my team. The dollar bills were flowing, until I just gave it up and deposited $20.00 to cover the day.

Almost a year has passed. Yesterday, I opened the jar to count the money, just to keep track of my progress. The jar contains $16.00 plus the original 20 for a total of $36.00. Not bad. However, the charity that will be getting the money will not benefit too greatly from my efforts. I guess I'll have to add a few bucks to the jar for all the times I have THOUGHT the word and just never vocalized it! I am really proud of myself and I believe that by this time next year, I should be "F Bomb" free.

I think the trick to this whole experiment was telling everyone about my goal. People are very quick to point out when I need to add a dollar to the jar. They actually take pleasure in it! And honestly, there are times when it is a deliberate use of the word, and I will even take out the dollar before the word leaves my lips. But sometimes it just slips out.

So, now, when I have a goal, I tell people what it is and have them hold me accountable. It really does help to keep me focused. So,....I wonder if I should have a "Chocolate Jar" where I deposit $1.00 for every piece of chocolate I eat. Nah....I'd go really broke really quickly, and life is too short to deprive yourself of chocolate!

Reflections

It was eight years ago that I said goodbye to Doug for the very last time. I will never know if he actually heard me. His final moments on this earth were not peaceful, not like the TV version where you close your eyes and stop breathing. It is a moment that replays in my head over and over, even eight years later.

I loved that man, more than I can ever express with words. His death left an enormous void in my life. While I outwardly showed a brave face, on the inside I didn't think I could ever have a happy life again.

But the truth is, time passed and I began to heal. I could either make the best of this life or I could go thru the motions and just exist. That was not an option to me. Doug worked so hard to LIVE, because he wanted us to have our life back. When it didn't happen that way, I knew that I needed to carry the torch, so to speak, and have a good life-even if we couldn't do it together.

I will never know why, but I was fortunate enough to meet a wonderful man who would enhance my life, who would allow me to have my memories and to honor the life that I shared with Doug.

Michael holds a unique place in my life, as Doug did, but it is a very different place. In some respects, Michael got the better wife, the more patient and accepting wife. I got a more appreciative husband, who has been thru failed relationships and is now in a good place in his life.

I have to believe that there is some sense to be made from all of this, but I haven't figured it all out yet. I probably never will, and I guess that's okay. The fact is that I have been loved by two really special guys, and that is more than many people can say. And since I cannot change it, I will accept it, hell, even embrace it and try to enjoy each and every day.

So, for Doug, I am munching on some freshly baked cookie and watching the Eagles game (they are losing as we speak) and I have dedicated this day to your memory. Know that you were well loved and sorely missed.

As an update.....the Eagles won the game!

OUCH!

Yesterday was a blood drive and fund raising pasta dinner for Michael's lodge. I always try to lend a hand, and so I arrived at 12:30 ready to work. We spent the afternoon setting up and getting things ready for dinner - salad, soup, spaghetti with meatballs and cake for dessert. One of the lodge brothers, a chef, volunteered to supply the pasta course. Imaging our surprise when he arrived 5 minutes before the doors opened arming with 20 pounds of uncooked spaghetti and no sauce.

Because we always try to have a plan B and a plan C, there was water simmering on the stove, and a big pot of meatballs and sauce. Gears quickly switched from calm to panic as Michael started cooking pasta for the crowd that started to assemble. All went well in the end, though, and a nice amount of blood was collected. Those who donated ate for free, so we didn't make much money, but the blood bank benefited, so all is well.

Perhaps the best part of the night was when the 5 folks who worked tirelessly for 3 hours collecting the blood joined the group for dinner. It was after 8PM by then, and we were all tired. They were quite appreciative for the meal at the end of a long day.

Luckily, there was a group of lodge brothers who came later in the night to clean up, because we were too tired. Those who arrived at 4PM were ready to head home after a night on their feet.

As for Michael and me, we are tired...really tired....and boy, do our backs and legs hurt. We'll be planning to take it easy today. And it will be a while before I will want to look at another plate of spaghetti & meatballs again! But it was all worthwhile.

Mathew & Margot's Wedding

I was asked to speak at the wedding which took place on October 10th. Mathew is the son of my deceased husband Doug's brother Gregg and his wife Ann. They have made a special effort to keep me in the family, even embracing my marriage to Michael. They are warm, funny and generous people. Here is what I had to say:

"When Mathew asked me to do a reading, while deeply honored, I faced 2 challenges. First, to find the perfect reading and second, to face my fear of public speaking. So, here I am, attempting to meet these challenges.

I searched the internet for the perfect prose and nothing really resonated. I decided to tap into the inner wisdom that comes from 20 years of marriage, counting a 3 year gap between husbands. And now, I give you Mary's Guide to a Happy Marriage:

Margot, there are 2 questions to avoid at all cost. 1) Does this make me look fat? and 2)Do you notice anything different about me?. These are loaded questions and there is no right answer.
Mathew, there are 2 phrases that you must commit to memory. Be prepared to use them liberally. The first is, "Yes dear" and the second is "I'm Sorry". Practice saying these in a sincere tone of voice.

On a serious note, I do have something I would like to read. It is more common sense than flowery or romantic. I found it when I googled a phrase that expresses my own life philosophy - Live with Intention. And now, a reading from the book of Mary, as written by Maryanne Radmacher:
Live with Intention
Walk to the Edge
Listen Hard
Play with Abandon
Practice Wellness
Laugh
Risk Love
Continue to Learn
Appreciate your friends
Choose with no regret
Stand by your family
Celebrate the holidays that make sense
Lead or follow a leader
Do what you love
Live as if this is all there is.

Robert's Grave Revisited

Well, the cemetery has promised to move Robert to a nicer location. They said to give them two weeks. That was a month ago. These people work at a snail's pace. Note to self: never use this place again.

I will feel better when the transfer has actually taken place.