Reflections

It was eight years ago that I said goodbye to Doug for the very last time. I will never know if he actually heard me. His final moments on this earth were not peaceful, not like the TV version where you close your eyes and stop breathing. It is a moment that replays in my head over and over, even eight years later.

I loved that man, more than I can ever express with words. His death left an enormous void in my life. While I outwardly showed a brave face, on the inside I didn't think I could ever have a happy life again.

But the truth is, time passed and I began to heal. I could either make the best of this life or I could go thru the motions and just exist. That was not an option to me. Doug worked so hard to LIVE, because he wanted us to have our life back. When it didn't happen that way, I knew that I needed to carry the torch, so to speak, and have a good life-even if we couldn't do it together.

I will never know why, but I was fortunate enough to meet a wonderful man who would enhance my life, who would allow me to have my memories and to honor the life that I shared with Doug.

Michael holds a unique place in my life, as Doug did, but it is a very different place. In some respects, Michael got the better wife, the more patient and accepting wife. I got a more appreciative husband, who has been thru failed relationships and is now in a good place in his life.

I have to believe that there is some sense to be made from all of this, but I haven't figured it all out yet. I probably never will, and I guess that's okay. The fact is that I have been loved by two really special guys, and that is more than many people can say. And since I cannot change it, I will accept it, hell, even embrace it and try to enjoy each and every day.

So, for Doug, I am munching on some freshly baked cookie and watching the Eagles game (they are losing as we speak) and I have dedicated this day to your memory. Know that you were well loved and sorely missed.

As an update.....the Eagles won the game!